A Tale of Penguins
by onewritereightnames
Summary: Basically the Lord of the Rings battle of Helm's Deep but with penguins and my friends as characters. Many things are referential but feel free to read it, you may enjoy it quite a bit anyways. Have a good day you sons-of-cusses. -onewritereightnames


**_ A Tale of Penguins_**

Ah, hello! You wish to hear a tale of bravery, comedy, and penguins you say? Then sit down my friend, grab a mug of ale, and listen to the tale I shall tell you.

A swirling flurry of snow surrounded the encampment at Exilia, the weather was always cold and stormy in those lands. A pair of figures huddled close together by the entrance of a large tent that spilled light from its opening. The figures were approached by another who watched as they snapped apart.  
"Really? You guys can't keep your beaks (pretty sure penguins don't have lips) off each orher for a minute?" said the newcomer.

"Ah screw you Cryptic, we're not that bad." responded the male of the pair.

"Yeah, Blue is right. You and SouthieGal were just as prone to PDAs."  
said the girl of the pair.

At the mention of the name SouthieGal Cryptic's face clouded and he brushed past them into the tent.

"Wait, Cryptic I didn't mean to-"

"Just let him go Stefaño (stephanie dis is u!), you know how he feels whenever she gets mentioned. He's my younger brother, I know him pretty well" said the one known as Blue.

In fact those were only shortened versions of their names, they were really Bluesoldier4, Stefaño0409, and XCrypticKillerX, as indicated by the floating text bars above their heads. But they never seemed to notice those, for some odd reason, and instead called each other by their nicknames.

They were all members of the JovénVölk tribe, a group of around 4,000 teenagers who had retreated to the Bannedlands after a series of rebellions in the Years 92-93 I.P (Imperial Penguin). The rebellions were lead by 12-13 y/o's who wished to use Club Penguin as an exclusive chat room about Disney and boybands. One of the most prominent rebels had been 1direction4evah, Stefaño's younger sister and a ruthless commander of penguins.

Now, back to the current story. Stefaño and Blue followed Cryptic into the tent and secured the entrance behind them. Seated at a table inside were several of their friends and fellow Tribe Elders, ArtistaDeLaIsla (a great artist renowned for her piece, The Mona Cage-a, IKissGirls97, one of the only female dwarf penguins in the country, and CrazyUncle, who had a tendency for throwing chairs. Seated at the head of the table was The Cage, a powerful wizard, he was rumored to be a famous actor in real life and had been around since the crowning of the first Emperor Penguin. He gave advice to the tribe and was a great teller of tales, subsequently he was one of the most well known penguins in the BannedLands.

Upon the entrance of Stefaño and Blue he began to speak, "Now that we are all here I have two pieces of information you must here. Firstly, I will be departing soon, you shall never see me hear in Exilia again. Secondly, a battle is coming, between all those who would use CP for cusses and giggles (when it was actually fun) and those who would use it for discussing boy bands and stupid Disney shows. March to the Borderlands in the Sierra Penguino mountains to the ancient fortress city of Metapod's Keep, named for its hard and undamageable walls. There you will wait for the sun rise four days from now. Two days to travel and one to prepare yourselves for the siege that will be coming."

"Why would we show ourselves to the childish and ridiculously over-powered 12y/o moderators and admins near there! We've managed to avoid them for years, they think we're all AFK or deactivated our accounts. We can go on hiding here until they grow up and leave can't we" said Artista (that's Lina if ya didn't know).

"No, Cage is right, I've wanted vengeance on their leader ever since she permabanned SouthieGal. Besides, look at this place. Its a wasteland, there are only 3 mini-games, one shop, and one pizza parlor. Its boring as hell, and as penguins we don't have opposable thumbs to build things, though we manage to handle weapons pretty well" said Cryptic.

They all wore a weapon on their slide or slung over their shoulder, Blue his battle hammer, Stefaño her bow, Artista a bow as well, IKissGirls her axe, Cryptic his daggers, CrazyUncle relied on his abilities to throw things, and The Cage had his staff and knowledge of many spells.

"I leave you to sort out your plans and arguments, I have much to do in very few days" and with that The Cage disappeared in a puff of plaid smoke.

"Did he just?" Blue began.

"Shhh Shhh, let's just a move on everyone. We have 4,00 penguins to get uprooted and marching. That means we have no time to spare pondering the eccentricity of The Cage" said Stefaño.

Soon there was quite the sight to witness, 4,000 penguins dressed for war waddling across the Bannedlands. They forded the mighty river which indicated the beginning of CopyrightViolater territory. They waddled across the Tundras in a blizzard, with almost no visibility. They traversed mighty forests with towering trees of a hundred types. All in all it was a penguin migration that would have left the producers of March of the Penguins scrambling to cover the bulge in their pants and Morgan Freeman with a large pile of cash.

After this treacherous and epic waddling for two days with little chance for rest the JovénVölk arrived at Metapod's Keep. It was a magnificent fortress-city, dating back to the days when the Dwarven Kingdoms of penguins were at the pinnacle of their days. The penguins rode on towards the Keep with renewed energy now that was in sight.

A side note is worth mentioning here. The penguins obviously had no horses and could not ride them even if they did. Instead they devised a system where they rode other penguins who slid on their stomachs along the ice and snow. One of these pairs of penguins was IKissGirls riding CrazyUncle. CrazyUncle slid along steadily and asked, "Is it true you dwarves have special thumbs you keep hidden in your flippers that allow you to be such great builders?"

"What? No, that's ridiculous. We just had special gloves that let us build things better with our flippers, that's all" said IKissGirls. However a look of worry came over her face and she pulled a small radio out of her bag and whispered into it, "They know, execute Order 66."

The story of Order 66 and the Dwarf-Clone War of the year 124 I.P is another story for another day. For now however the JovénVölk rode on towards Metapod Keep, unaware that one of their number had split off and was on his way towards Penstov, capital of the Club Penguin Empire. Upon reaching the city he was allowed into the chamber of one of "heroes" of the revolutions, 1direction4evah.  
"Ma'am, the JovénVölk have moved into the Borderlands and are setting up defenses in the old Metapod's Keep. They number around 4,000 all told and The Cage seems to have disappeared again" said the spy.

"Excellent work soldier. Hm, 4,000 you say. Then I shall gather 10,000 under the Disney flag and crush them all! Even my sister, or rather especially her. Finally, the chance to solidify my powers over this land. I can become so powerful I can finally fulfill my dream of marrying Harry Styles!" at the moment she noticed the soldier was still in the room. She blushed redder than a tomatoe and quickly called in two special troopers on guard detail. "Guards, this man is a spy for the JovénVölk. I demand he be brought before the courts and eventually the scaffolds."

The unfortunate man was forcefully carried away and soon 1direction4evah was at the main square in Penstov, speaking to a growing crowd of young penguins. "This our chance to make ourselves the dominant penguin group in all the land, the master of all penguins. Now, to arms! to war! to Metapod Keep!" she shouted. Then she stood stroking her moustache and admiring the frenzy she had whipped up in the frothing crowd. "Soon sister... soon you will pay the price for getting me in trouble with mom and dad about that broken vhs tape of their wedding. I'll enjoy permabanning you just as much as I enjoyed permabanning that SouthieGal and watching her boyfriend break down in the middle of the battle. Hehehe. With just enough evil planning I will soon be Mrs. Styles and be rid of those pesky JovénVölk."

Meanwhile at the Bat Cave-err Metapod's Keep the JovénVölk made preparations for the siege they expected to come the next day. Walls were fortified, barricades were built in front of cafes inside the city, and the orchestra was prepared. The elders figured that if they were to have an epic battle that would possibly result in all their deaths than they would at least have a fitting soundtrack. They also set up the PA system and connected it so they could play their music through it. As the day fell to a close many spent longer than usual eating dinner with friends, families, and even people they barely knew.

Soon the sun rose the next day the sun rose again and defensive preparations were further improved for the coming battle. At noon the entire tribe gathered in the main square of the long abandoned city and listened as the Elders ascended a platform in the center of the square. Blue went to the podium and spoke clearly and loudly, "Too long we have been subject to exile and oppression from the lands we originally settled and pioneered. These runts have too long held their power unchallenged. Still, however; is it worth the death of all of us? Are we ready to pay that price? After all peace sells, peace has been maintained for 20+ years. But peace does not give you honor or happiness or the lands we have the rightful claims to. I leave with a simple statement my friends. Peace sells... but who's buying?"(Copyright Megadeth 1986)

The crowd of 4,000 was silent for a moment but then erupted into a large shout of "NOT US NOT US NOT US NOT US!" and bristled with weapons. Then Artista climbed up to the podium and said simply, "I give my talents to the tribe I love" and began hoisting on a rope to a flagpole that towered above the crowd. A black flag with an albino narwhal and "JovénVölk" in red lettering sailed in the wind. The crowd erupted into cheers, the narwhal was Johann, legendary creator of the ice flows where the Bannedlands, Borderlands, and CLub Penguin Empire existed.

Then Cryptic came up to the podium and began to speak, "Many of you new, SouthieGal. She was beautiful, kind, and always an outspoken girl. For this she was permabanned. She spoke out against One Direction and in one of the first clashes between ourselves and the rebels she was permabanned by a psychotic girl who had bribed her way into an adminship position. I swore on that day to achieve my revenge and waddle this earth as long as it takes to do so. The moderators and admins among their rank hold no powers outside of the verified servers and so they must face us up close and personal. Tonight we will trade blow for blow, and yes, many will fall and be vanished from this Digital Earth. But under the eye of Johann you will have a king's feast in Valhalla, among Penguin heroes from all ages. Are you with me JovénVölk!?"

"AYE AYE AYE AYE" shouted the crowds. Suddenly however a ringing was heard and the bells in the old church tower were clanging frantically. It was the signal for an oncoming attack, that much was certain. Soon all the soldiers, swordsmen, archers, axemen, and orchestra were ready and waiting in their positions on the walls. The bells finally began to subside but were replaced by the footfalls of the approaching masses of penguins. They were all glad in black armor and marched in step, their footfalls echoed among the mountain and hills that surrounded the valley in which Metapod's Keep was located. Soon they stopped before the walls and stood in ranks, unmoving.  
"Ask not for whom the bell tolls... it tolls for thee" said Blue quietly, among his friends.  
"Wait, do you hear that?" asked UncleCrazy.  
"Do you hear the people sing?" asked Stefaño.

Slowly, among the walls the singing swelled to a fever pitch and echoed along the valley. "I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was..." The entire song sung by 4,000 people loudly and proudly. As they finished rain began to pour down and the skies darkened greatly. All was silent except for the rain, both sides simply waiting. Then a lone voice began to sing in a tongue that was unknown to any others in the land, save the singer. It was an ancient tongue of a poetic and historic people. The language was French, the singer, Stefaño. Her voice sang out, alone and beautifully,  
" Allons enfants de la Patrie, Le jour de gloire est arrivé! Contre nous de la tyrannie, L'étendard sanglant est levé, L'étendard sanglant est levé!"

Underneath the grey and silver helmets the JovénVölk had wet faces, not simply due to the rain. Then a singer arose among the enemy army, and began to cover a song from "High School Musical". At this point Stefaño, still singing, notched an arrow to her bow and let fly. The arrow flew straight and true, entering the chest of the other penguin. A cheer rose from the ranks of the defenders as the enemy penguins body dissolved into 1s and 0s that disappeared. This caused a great stampeding and number of angry and childish threats to come from the approximately 10,000 penguins that stood facing the Keep. The moment of battle had come.

The battle lasted hours, far too epic in scale and horror to properly speak of in this tale. It would fill a novel in and of itself. Instead it would be better to speak of the important points of the battle, those points where heroes are born as men die.

Early in the battle the enemy set fireworks beneath a grating in te wall and exploded them, breaching the wall's weak point. On the other side of the wall were the orchestra, who had still played on to this point. They took their instruments and rushed to stem the flow of the enemy into the keep. With simply their instruments they held the gap for nearly an hour, the last man among them to fall held his banjo in his arms as he disappeared into the air.

Soon after this the breach spread and fighting began to spread in to the city; though there was not much city to retreat into. As the battle the raged inside the square the flag pole came crashing down. Despite the numerous enemies by the fallen flag Artista rushed in with little reinforcement, her shortsword a whirlwind and herself quick as a rabbit. She grabbed the flag and ran towards the ever retreating and shrinking group of her friends and fellow JovénVölk. Enemy arrows reached her back just as she reached her allies again. Blue and Cryptic grabbed her and carried her into the inner keep, and the giant wooden door was slammed shut after them. The battle was all but lost.

The enemy hammered on the door as the only remaining JovénVölk, around 400, regrouped and treated the wounded. Artista lay on a bench, attended to by all her friends. She spoke her last words carefully "Goodbye my friends, I love you all. Remember, thats the key, robots can't love like us."

"But we aren't fighting robots."

"Oh. Bleh"

They covered her in the flag and met together to decide their final course of action.

Blue spoke up, "Well, its nearly dawn. We have no more to do. There is the bridge leading from this upper keep to the outer wall. We could make one last charge straight into them, and feast in Valhalla by noon."

"Do they have pizza there?"

They all looked at IKissGirls.

"What... a dwarf's gotta eat, even when she's dead."

"Everyone get ready to ride. I'll play us some music for our final clash" said Blue.

He turned on the PA system and began to play (Copyright Metallica 1984).

"Cussing copyright laws, damn it all. IKissGirls, just blow the horn of Metapod Keep one last time, PA system probably had crappy audio quality anyway" said an angry Blue.

He approached Stefaño and touched his beak to hers. She hugged him and they also hugged their other friends for a final time.

As the mighty horn sounded the last 400 rode their sliding friends into the heart of the enemy, who still remained over 5,000 strong. CrazyUncle turned to IKissGirls and said "Would you like to fly?"

"Why the hell not?" she responded and Crazy Uncle threw her into one of the crowds of enemy soldiers, jumping in to the fray himself a moment later.

Just all hope seemed lost a great waddling of feet was heard from the hills above the valley. Both sides paused and looked to the hill, which had the rising sun behind it.

"In the name of Johann it cannot be!"

"I thought they were savages!"

"Can it be, is that The Cage?"

It was indeed The Cage. He was riding Johann the Narwhal and at his back were 8,263 penguins known as the "N***a Nation", they were all the users who had ever been banned for dropping the N word in one for or another. The forces of 12-13y/o quickly gathered at the bottom of the hill to meet the new threat, momentarily forgetting the 400 JovénVölk. The over 8,000 troops slid and waddled down the hill yelling "NIIIGGGGAAAA" with The Cage at their front.

The sun rose just behind the hill as they charged down momentarily blinding the enemy penguins. They were struck hard and Johann alone crushed a few hundred under his massive body, knocking others far away with his horn. It was a complete rout, the enemy fled in terror and many wrongly chose to dive into the sea near the other end of the valley. A pack of Orca whales nommed on them as they jumped in.

In the middle of this rout a certain penguin tried to rally her troops, 1direction4evah was futiley threatening her deserting troops when Johann gobbled her up, moustache and all. Any resistance crumbled after that.

Epilogue

After the battle peace was restored to CP. No longer did tyranny and talk of boy bands rule the lands. Things were good. Stefaño and Blue moved rented an apartment in Penstov and were no longer subject to "get a room" jokes. Cryptic became a smith with IKissGirls' dwarf advice and gave up the warrior lifestyle. IKissGirls married a pretty lady similar to herself and was happy. CrazyUncle opened his own chair business and lived his dream.

One day, as they sat in a Panera bread, which had just appeared one day in the square, they shared lunch. As they prepared to leave a human came up in his Panera uniform and said, "Guys, I can help you save those who were permabanned. But you'll have to trust me and avoid asking any questions which might show off plotholes."

"What? What are you talking about? Who are you? Where did you get that ridiculous human costume?" said Blue.

"A chance to save her? To save SouthieGal?" asked Cryptic quietly.

"Yes."

"Just tell me where."

"My name is Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson. If you want to save those lost at Metapod's Keep and those permabanned earlier, we must go quickly, we must race... Race to Witch Mountain."

**_ Fin_**


End file.
